joke thread

[Baldesto]

An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost a half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 190 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 190 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end!

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, finds the old man still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror..."

[Baldesto]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold!- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?""Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. The darn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"

[Baldesto]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. "An Ambulance just drove by."

"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike..." "Looks like the Sanders are moving out" "Jason is on his skate board..."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."

[Baldesto]

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick CUT'"
--
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

[Baldesto]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

"I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."

"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone!" "Well, that is wonderful!" proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "WOW! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD!" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[Baldesto]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer".

He got the job.

[Baldesto]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[Baldesto]

and lol at the clusterfuck who negged me for these jokes, nice job asshat.....

[DDM]

Keep the jokes up Baldy, yours are usually the best ones here. +rep

[rank666]

+1 rep for you to keep going

[DeeVeeOss]

+rep Baldy.

[Ron155]

love your jokes man keep it up baldesto .

[Baldesto]

i dont get it, i try to bring a smile to peoples faces and still get negged for it.fuck you u humourless little assfucker .its people like you that destroyed this place and stopped a lot of the old schoolers from posting. ihope your next shit is a hedgehog.....

[huey31415]

A wizard was strolling through the Botanic Gardens one day and saw two statues, a man statue and a woman statue, perched on each side of the path, staring at each other.
"Look at that", he murmured to himself. "They have been there for many years, in the sun and rain, heat and cold, droughts, floods and bushfires and never a move. I will reward them."
So he clicked his fingers and humanised the statues.
"As a reward for your patience," he told them, "you can have half an hour as humans."

The man statue looked at the woman statue and said, "Will we?"
"Yes; let's" giggled the woman statue. So they retired behind some bushes, whence for some fifteen minutes came muffled sounds of gasps, giggles and grunts. Then they came out from behind the bushes, pink in the face, and dusting off grass, ferns, lolly papers and beer can labels.

The wizard looked at his pocket watch and said, "You still have fifteen minutes before you're back to being statues."
The woman statue said to the man statue,
"Again?"
"Too right," said the man statue, "only this time, you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."

[huey31415]

The Dowager rings for her butler and asks him to:

"Please take off my dress."
"Please take off my petticoat."
"Please take off my bra."
"Please take off my panties."
All of her requests were answered by a respectful,
"Yes, Ma'am."
Finally she says, "...And Jeeves, if I catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be sacked."

[Bobyoby]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Bobyoby]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Bobyoby]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[Bobyoby]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?


To stamp out burning ducks

[Pitchey]

i hope your next shit is a hedgehog.....

lmfao

You must spread some + Reputation around before giving it to Baldesto again.

[nzallmenace]

and lol at the clusterfuck who negged me for these jokes, nice job asshat.....

keep the jokes coming bro u always make me laugh when i need it =) :rnr:

[Bobyoby]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[Baldesto]

seems its the same person being a vindictive little wank,lol ,jokes you and your family, fuckstain....

[Bobyoby]

I never neg repped anyone!

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[Pyromanik]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

... And that's when the fight started...