joke thread

[bigROBOTbill]

a bunch of smart answers:



SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-***** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[qwerty4me]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/blackadder/quotes/index.shtml

A lul for every click.

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.

[Baldesto]

Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front."

[Baldesto]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists - three men.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... you must kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the third man's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" he said. "So I had to beat her to death with the chair."

[Baldesto]

A notorious womaniser left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch. The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.

By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?" "We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" "I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."  "I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"  "There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man. "No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

[Baldesto]

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."


Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love Celine Dion. Could you please play her latest CD for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.

He then turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?""Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[Bobyoby]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Bobyoby]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

(BTW i have nothing against gays)

[Nyan]

sorry if these are a little crude but they are funny.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes in your face.

There was a blackout in our street.
We had him arrested.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

[Bobyoby]

LOL! nice


Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

[DRFT10]

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,

"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[Bobyoby]

Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
Therapist sleeping
"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

Looking under the Bed

Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

(STOP NEG REPPING ME!!!!)

[Spin]

^lol nice

yeah the neg rep is getting pretty annoying in this and the random images thread

[Bobyoby]

^ argh yes agreed ^

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[MemNocH]

Japanese girl was having sex and accidentally farted.
She said "Oh me, so sorry. You make front hole so happy, back hole blow you a kiss"

[DRFT10]

You could have heard a  pin drop.  
                             
         When  in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the  Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire  building' by George  Bush.
       
       He  answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its  fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our  borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to  bury those that did not  return.'
       
 You could have heard  a pin  drop.
       
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       
       There  was a conference in France where a number of
 international engineers were  taking part, including French and American.. During a break, one of the French  engineers came back into the room saying  'Have you heard the latest dumb  stunt Bush has done?  He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to  help the tsunami victims. What  does he intend to do, bomb  them?'
        A Boeing engineer stood up  and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can  treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply  emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias  with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce  several  thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and  they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and  injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many  does France  have?'
       
   You could  have heard a pin  drop.
         
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       
       A  U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from  the U...S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail  reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that  included personnel from most of those  countries.
         Everyone was  chatting away in English as they sipped
 their drinks but a French admiral  suddenly complained that,
 whereas Europeans learn many languages,  Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have  to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking  French?'
        Without hesitating, the  American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and  Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak  German.'
       
        You  could have heard a pin  drop.
         
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       
         AND  THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE  ABOVE...
       
         Robert  Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane.  At  French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.   'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked  sarcastically.  Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France  previously..
        Then you should know  enough to have your passport  ready.'
        The American said, ''The  last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.  
    'Impossible. Americans always have to show your  passports on arrival in France  !'
        The American senior gave the  Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came  ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I  couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'  
         
You could have heard a pin  drop.

[Bobyoby]

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters.  On the bottom row were these letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

-----

a woman is on a beach. she has no arms and no leges. and she's crying

a man walks up to her and says "why are you crying?" she says "i've never been hugged before". he hugs her and leaves

he comes back later and says "why are you still crying?" she says "i've never been kissed before." he kisses her and leaves.

he comes back again and says"why are you still cyring?" she says "i've never been screwed before."

he picks her up and throws her into the ocean
"there. now you're screwed."

[Spork]

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow, sheep, and a goat?
A: The milky baa kid!!!

[Bobyoby]

Seven funny true stories

a) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired 'I Saw the Pope' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed 'I Saw the Potato.'

b) In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

c) In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan 'finger-lickin' good' came out as 'eat your fingers off.'

d) Ford had a problem naming a car in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for 'tiny male genitals'. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

e) When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word 'embarazar' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said, 'It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'

f) The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means, 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, 'ko-kou-ko-le,' which can be loosely translated as 'happiness in the mouth.'

g) To even it up Will and Guy found this one from Coca Colas rival.
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' came out as 'Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.'

[DRFT10]

Growing up and wiser

When I was 14,  I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16,  I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything  was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25,  I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28,  I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31,  I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Bobyoby]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.


Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[Chilli]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
aeroplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

[kim43]

Hello.............
these all are great..........
thank you for entertaning..........all of you doing awesome......
Thank you
Have a great fun...........

[Xt1ncT]

A group of children were trying
very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
 
The biggest hurdle they faced
was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
 
 
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.  You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
 
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
 
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'


 Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

 
'Winnie the SHIT'. !......

[Baldesto]

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a cunt.
--
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
--
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
--
A man walks into his doctor’s office after having taken several tests to learn the results. The doctor asks the man to sit down. "I have some bad news for you, Mr. Phillips. I am afraid that you have cancer and Alzheimer’s disease." The man replies, "Well, at least I don’t have cancer."