joke thread

[Baldesto]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[SteddieEddie]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
 
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
 
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
 
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
****
 
It gets worse........
 
next year......
 
 
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[darkFOX]

Lol,

2007 - Year of the Pig
2008 - Year of the Rat
2009 - Year of the Ox

Other than that, I've got no jokes. Not a very funny guy

[Bobyoby]

I'm taking another risk being here in this thread but...

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

EDIT: LOL!!! i got neg repped by that douche again!! lol!! im not going to post in this thread again.

[Spin]

How do You wake lady Gaga up?

Poke her Face

[Baldesto]

GOOD LORD THE RANDOM I HATE BALDY'S JOKES NEG REPPER IS BACK. WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCK OFF , OR LEAVE A NAME YOU FUCKING WANKSTAIN?

[darkFOX]

Lol'd.

This thread never fails to make me laugh.

I'll up you one Baldy, I love you.

[Baldesto]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.
--

Dan walks into his bedroom after his morning shower and says to Deb "You know love... every time I pass a mirror I get a hard on". She replies "I'm not surprised darling... even your dick thinks you're a cunt!"
--
Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here." "Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?""I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."

[SteddieEddie]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his fucking widow."

[SteddieEddie]

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would ye let me bite yer breasts for £100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite yer breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again
"Would ye let me bite yer breasts jist wan time fer £10,000?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

[Spin]

If a man hits a woman with a car whose fault is it?

The man because he shouldn't of been driving in the kitchen

[maorifulla]

This Maori fulla is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by an Inspector from the Ministry of Agriculture & Fisheries (MAF).

He says to the Maori fulla "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".

The Maori fulla says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."

The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".

Then the Maori fulla says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf.

The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then."

The Maori fulla says "What crayfish??"

[SteddieEddie]

This frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits
on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says…….
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank Christ for that……. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”

[huey31415]

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the
other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took
the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said,
"I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll
get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the
physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other
attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the
physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney
picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat
back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this
go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This
animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[Ngati_Grim]

The Ball of Kirriemuir

joke thread

'Twas the gathering o' the clans,
And all the Scots were there,
A-skirlin' on their bagpipes,
And strokin' pussy hair.

Chorus:

Singing, "Who hae ye, lassie,
Who hae ye noo?
The ane that hae ye last time
He canna hae ye noo."

Maggie McGuire, she was there
A-showin' the boys some tricks,
And ye canna hear the bagpipes
For the swishin' o' the pricks.

Sandy MacPherson, he was there
And on the floor he sat,
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself
And catchin' it in his hat.

The factor's wife, she was there,
Ass against the wall,
Shoutin' to the laddie boys,
"Come ye one an' all."

The factor's daughter, she was there,
Sittin' down in front,
A wreath of roses in her hair,
A carrot up her cunt.

The mayor's daughter, she was there
And kept the crowd in fits
By jumpin' off the mantle piece
And landin' on her tits.

The village idiot, he was there;
He was a perfect fool.
He sat beneath the oak tree
And whittled off his tool.

The chimney sweep, he was there,
But soon he got the boot,
For every time he farted,
He filled the room with soot.

Johnny McGregor, he was there,
A lad so brave and bold.
He pulled the foreskin over the end
And whistled through the hole.

Down in the square,
The village dunce he stands,
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself
And usin' both his hands.

There was fuckin' in the parlor.
There was fuckin' in the ricks.
Ye canna hear the music
For the swishin' o' the pricks.

There was fuckin' in the bedroom,
Fuckin' on the stair.
Ye canna see the carpet
For the come and curly hair.

The elders of the church,
They were too old to firk,
So they sat around the table
And had a circle jerk.

The bride was in the corner
Explainin' to the groom
The vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.

The groom was excited
An' racin' 'round the hall
A-pullin' on his pecker
An' showin' off his balls.

The king was in the countin' house
A-countin' out his wealth.
The queen was in the parlor,
A-playin' wi' herself.

The queen was in the kitchen,
Eatin' bread and honey.
The king was in the kitchen maid
And she was in the money.

John Brown, the parson
Was quite annoyed to see
Four and twenty maidenheads
A-hangin' from a tree.

And when the ball was over,
The opinion was expressed:
Although they liked the music,
The fuckin' was the best.


Anon.

[SteddieEddie]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their
Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids
Came back and one by one told their stories.

Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
Of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
And broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too,
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
When they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

'That was a fine story Emily.  
 
Rangi , do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty  Ripeka. Aunty Rapeka was
A flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles
Of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down
So it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did Your
father tell you from that horrible story?'



'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Rapeka when she's been on the piss.'

[420fairy]

Larry's in room 232 at the hospital.
 
Ok,  you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
'Where in the hell have you been?
 
'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.
 
''A tattoo?'  she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?
 
''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
 
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.
 
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his
 privates?'
Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how  money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
 
you can stay right here at home and blow a
hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room  232 at the Hospital.

[Tiwaking!]

Whats the difference between a tractor and a blonde?

You can kick a tractor and not lose your job as a sports presenter

[SteddieEddie]

Viagra
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough

so I don't piss on my slippers.

[Jakey]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split..
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[SteddieEddie]

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.

[SteddieEddie]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over  38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!'  Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

[Baldesto]

and the last post in joke thread...
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth... I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
--
Two fire-fighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!" The fire-fighter says "Well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation." The Chief says "Why the hell didn't you give him mouth to mouth then!?" The fire-fighter says "How do you think this shit got started?"
--
Husband asks "What would you do if I won lotto?" Wife says "I'd take half of it and leave you!" Husband replies "Excellent ...I won $12, here's $6, now FUCK OFF!!"
--
Hubby gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth."

[Baldesto]

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realises the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by.

Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Does that make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off on the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"

[Baldesto]

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "SEE! FUCKING HURTS, DOESN'T IT?"